Looking after ourselves
Many people considering counselling are facing many challenges in life, feeling stressed, overwhelmed, under-slept, anxious, and generally depleted.
It takes about three weeks for the brain to recognise a new habit is the way you want life to be, so small steps to change can pay off in a short space of time.
The activities here are general self help for any stressful situations or personal development plan; they are offered on a goodwill basis, I am not medically qualified.
If you have any medical concerns please consult your healthcare provider first, or if you feel faint, dizzy or ill undertaking anything on this page please stop and consult your medical practitioner.
Breathe Take a moment to focus on your breathing. It's common to hold our breath or begin to take shorter, faster breaths when stressed.
Try this: sit or stand comfortably, with an open stance so that your chest area is not compressed or bent over. Breathe in for a count of three, hold this momentarily, just a second, breathe out for four counts. Repeat ten times and progress to sequences of ten breaths in batches over three or four minutes.
The extra count on the out-breath helps to fully empty stale air from the lungs.
Use this every day, a quiet few moments to settle your body and relax your mind. You may build up to four in/five out breaths if you like this exercise - test and rest, don't overpush yourself. Deep breathing increases clarity and attention and lets you get back to your day feeling more centred.
Move If you are seated for a long time at work or home, take a short walk once an hour if you can, a change of scene, a break, a chance for your body to waken up. 250 steps an hour should do it, Fitbit users might recognise this number of hourly steps.
Eat You wouldn't expect your car to run without fuel, often we do expect our bodies to run without fuel though. You might need to prepare food to take to work with you, allow yourself a work break; if you drive when working, pull your car over to a lay-by to pause for ten minutes, whatever is needed to find a space. Or maybe use your 250 steps to nip to the shop for a healthy snack. Aim to have a balanced meal or snack, focussing on a balance of proteins and healthy fats with appropriate amounts of carbs, dietary information is easy to find on the internet. Listen to your body, notice which foods help you feel healthier, and always consult your GP or other health professional if you have concerns, need specialist dietary or allergy advice, or to check if any medications interfere with your diet, and vice versa.
Sleep if you currently have less sleep time than you need, please don't suddenly try to sleep for eight solid hours, its likely to be unsuccessful. Instead, aim for a consistent bedtime and consistent getting up time, its shown to be healthier. If you stay up late, aim to bring your bedtime earlier by ten minutes a week until you are going to bed an hour earlier than you used to do. It takes some self-discipline to keep to this,ten minutes here and there doesn't seem to meaningful; your body will appreciate and reward regular habits. Re-evaluate at this point, repeat if needed.
Keep your bedroom dark, and with some ventilation (if possible without bringing too much noise into the room). Keep your blankets or duvet at a level where you are warm enough without feeling sweaty or chilly. If you are staying up too late due to worry or anxiety, or to avoid a relationship difficulty, come and see me and let me help!
Socialise Human brains are wired for connection to others. Seeing friends, engaging in hobbies, chatting to loved ones, are all good ways to connect. Try and find some new ways, especially if you find yourself absorbed in social media or gaming a lot. If you are in a relationship, take time to have some quality connection, conversation, touch, laughter, as often as you both need.
May 2023
May has felt like a relief for many people, the Coronation provided some extra time off and a reason to cheer, the weather is picking up and summer is on the way.
To make the most of this energy boost in your relationship:
Small Things Often - define your relationship as special and meaningful by the practice of consciously taking supportive action and acknowledgement towards your partner every day, several times a day. A loving note in the lunchbox, a midday text, a conscious greeting and re-bonding on arrival home via hugs and kisses, a thankful expression of acknowledging how much you do for each other. Taking over a chore to give your partner time to relax, spending more time enjoying being with your children, committing to a digital detox to commit time and attention to each other. All small things, all it takes is a commitment to respond to each other to re-bond and refresh your love for each other.
Small Things Often is a phrase coined by Dr John Gottman, backed up by 50 years research into couple relationships. It works.
June 2023
The heat is here, and days are long. For some this is an easier time, for those dealing with physical, emotional or mental pain it can be harder than ever to experience those feelings when everyone around is talking of barbecues and picnics.
Here is a mindful exercise to help:
Turn off your phone, sit quietly. Notice your natural breathing pattern, and follow it with your attention, notice the in breath and the out breath. When you are comfortable with this, make a conscious decision to breathe a little more slowly, a deeper breath in, a fuller exhale. Feel your body relax as your breath deepens and slows. Continue focusing on your breath for a few minutes until you feel relaxed. Decide what you would like to let go of today and consciously think of this on the out-breath: 'I let go of the pain, I let go of the sadness, I let go of regret' (whatever applies to you today). After a few minutes of repeating this, switch to bringing new energy into your life, on the in-breath 'I accept love, I accept health, I accept the new day going forward' - whatever applies. Again, do this for a few minutes. To close, thank yourself for the time you have taken to relax and nurture yourself. Bring your attention back to the room, gradually stretch and move on with your day.
September 2023
June, July and August vanished in the pain of a broken elbow which turned typing into torture. Writing here at the start of autumn, I'm meeting with many clients who also seem to feel that the summer was a time of pause, or catching up with rest and generally needing to take things slowly.
People coming for therapy usually don't have a sense of how long it will take, how many sessions, how much cost, and how soon they will feel some benefit from it and observe changes in themself. Acknowledging this anxiety is a great way to start therapy. I don't feel the need to soothe that anxiety, because really its the energy of change, feeling like butterflies in the tummy, mimicing anxiety.
For couples, there is often little time to even think about this, their need is urgent, here we are in the last chance saloon, if we can't relieve pressure today we may split up tomorrow. If you are in this position as you read this, take heart, anxiety and change energy feel the same. Every person has their own 'right' time to change, for a couple it can feel hard to both be ready at the same time. It can still be do-able if you both work towards your goals.
November 2023
Coming back to the UK after a holiday, I notice how bare the trees are now, and how the few leaves which are left on the branches are yellow, orange, red and brown. Harvest is over, the clocks have moved an hour, darkness is with us before teatime, spring seems a long way away. The lights of the Hindu Diwali festival brighten up the dull weather, and many of us look forward to December and the lights and festivities of Christmas. This can be a time of great loneliness, of feeling empty as the year closes out. What to do? Branch out from your cocoon, visit your local library or community centre and look at the notice boards - is there somewhere that you can volunteer a few hours a week? Giving service to others is a great way to join in, feel better about oneself and develop relationship skills. Can you give time in your existing social circles too? Are there people who you haven't seen in a while who might enjoy catching up? What about your community organisations? Could your local drama society use a tea-maker of scenery shifter? Might you actually get up on the stage? Is it tiem to enquire about that book club you keep meaning to join? Human brains are wired up to connect to others, we can't survive well without connection, and reaching out to others is the starting point of a more fulfilling season.
December 2023
Writing at the end of December, the parties are largely over, the Christmas lights are beginning to be switched off, and for many the holidays are over. What did the bright lights give you? Did you feel uplifted? Did you feel the pressure of the cost of living crisis? Were you frazzled by the levels of traffic on the road or how full the buses were? Reliving joyful feelings and experiences and avoiding the negative frustrations can flood the body with a 'repeat' feeling, re-generating the same hormonal response. Re-living a hug from a long lost friend, re-living the feeling of children or grandchildren cuddling up, excited and exhausted all at once. Thinking about the loving message inside a Christmas card, or the funniest show on television that gave you a deep belly laugh that left you gasping for air; powerful feelings that can help to sustain the back-to-work, the darkness and coldness. These small things, sparks of happiness, are part of a 'gratitude practice', a deliberate engaging with what is positive in the day. This is a great way to build a positive outlook on life. Many sources online recommend a gratitude journal, a beautifully crafted, perhaps silk covered and bejewelled book specifically to write gratittudes in, a great thing to have if you have the cash; a totally unnecessary thing if you simply want ot develop a gratitude practice. Any notebook will do, a school exercise book, a small notepad, the backs of used Christmas cards to start off with. The aim is record what you are grateful for, not to have a fancy book. One way to use this technique is with a block of sticky notes. Write your three gratitudes on a note, stick it to your bathroom mirror; the last thing you see at night, the first thing that you see in the morning. At the end of the week collect them into a book, and start again. You can write out the notes in your journal, or just store the notes. Or transfer them onto a techno soloution such as Miro.
Gratitudes don't need to be for large things and are very likely to be pretty small for most of us, and that's ok. Building a sense of happiness is a gradual thing and it relies on consistently noticing things that make life worthwhile. Gratitudes I have heard of: waking to a rosy light at dawn; the bus turning up on time; seeing a pig-shaped cloud that encouraged the person to laugh; making it through the day with less pain than usual; having a hot meal on the return from work; being able to pay the electric bill; feeling healthy; receiving a cheerful hello from a neighbour; feeling warm in the thick gloves you received as a gift; noticing the spring bulbs pushing through the ground; feeling respected by a co-worker; enjoying a moment of calm to enjoy a warm drink.
Find and record three things a day and after a month re-read them, re-evaluate your happiness/gratitude level.
January 2024
New Year Resolutions? SMART targets are more likely to stick. Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, Time-based.
A woolly resoluton - I want to learn to run this year.
A SMART target - I want to be fitter and able to run half a mile within the next six weeks. It is specific - run now, not sometime this year; Measurable - half a mile; Achievable - depending on age and health, mot people could build to this target over six weeks (See GP if unsure!); Relevant - getting fitter by running, not just thinking about it; Time-based - I will define my timescale so I can measure the outcome. I can then set another target.
February 2024
Mid way between Christmas and the vernal equinox, we celebrate the return of lighter days, although usually colder days in the UK. There are formal celebrations, the gaelic Imbolc, the Christian Candlemas. And of course the cinema has introduced the world to the American 'groundhog day', another view of the approach, or not, of Spring.How can you make the most of the approaching lighter nights, is it time to research and plan a new pastime? Looking forward to sometign is a great way to improve our mood.
